Hola y'all (isn't that what they say in southern Mexico? ) 
As you've already gathered, I'm not politically correct and don't give a rip. Life is way too short to dance with ugly men. Wait, where the hell did that come from? I also have a tendency to digress on occasion. But I'm getting older and I'll blame it on dain bramage from entirely too many drugs in the 70's. The hamster has an occasional flashback and damn, it's fun.
Oh, and for some reason, I LOVE KUDOS!!!!! I'm not exactly sure what the hell they're for, but they're kinda cool, so GIVE ME KUDOS after you (hopefully) laugh at my occasional battle with the voices who like to confuse me every chance they get!!!!! And pass the guacamole!
Okay, focus... I'm an educated woman and got my Ph.D from Smart Ass University (go Anal Beads!) with my post doctorate from Who Gives a Shit U (throw those cow patties in the other direction please... getting hit in the back of the head three times was enough for me... fricken short bus quarterbacks) and graduated Hearme Cum Loudly from both highly respected institutions of higher learning, hair care and tire centers and tequila manufacturing facilities. And speaking of the short bus... or is that hockey?... anywho, I like the sound my spatula makes when I hit my helmet in the back seat of the short bus. Only problem is when I wear my helmet, I have no place to put my M&Ms... peanut only with a big glass of moo cow fuck juice (aka milk).
I do have rules when it comes to meeting someone. I know, huge surprise. If you're married or otherwise attached... sorry, not going to swim in those waters... what you do is your business, but I'm not going to make it mine.
If your idea of foreplay is looking out the car window to see if anybody's coming... I'm not interested. If you're proud of your farts that could end a marriage or make small children cry... I'm not interested. If your teeth haven't seen floss (or a dentist) since 1977... I'm not interested. If you have crusty yellowish toenails... all I can say is ewwwww, get some Lotrimin. Speaking of which, if you have ugly feet, put some goddam socks on and don't be wearing flip flops... good gawd. And I'm terribly sorry to say, if you don't have a decent ass, I won't walk behind you because being forced to look at what appears to be a frog wearing a pair of jeans or Dockers doesn't do it for me... but a good man ass.... well butter my buns and call me Biscuit baby! And I also prefer not to date someone where confusion might come into play when he wears shorts and I can't figure out if those are his legs or he's riding a chicken. Holy chit, I'm a demading old broad! 
But more about me... I'm in the process of losing weight (gained when recovering from 2 surgeries last year) and am trying to quit smoking, so if I'm a tad cranky, just flocking deal with it. I still look damn good... at least that's what I'm told and I'll believe it because that's how I am. My daughter says I'm arrogant, stubborn, bullheaded and retentive, but I've got a great butt. I didn't know I was arrogant until a few months after she said it, but I'll never tell her she was right.
If you're looking solely to get laid, you're reading the wrong profile. I cherish friendship above all else. That's not to say I don't love good sex, but I'm very, very picky and if you think I'm going to give you my address or expect me to come to your house the first time we meet, it ain't your day to think.
Oh hell, yea.... Dave Matthews is rocking out as I write this and talking about the original sin... must be caramel... I mean karma.
My Ideal Person:
Is in my heart, mind, soul and body and I am in his.
He is tall; he has great shoulders, chest and arms where I can nuzzle in and feel safe; he has a smile that melts my heart; eyes that I can get lost in; he is honest and he is handsome to me. When I hear his voice, my heart skips a beat and when I feel his touch, it's magic. He takes time out of a busy day to send a text or email saying "I'm thinking about you" and loves getting them in return. He's not afraid to talk to me and knows that, first and foremost, we are friends. And so very, very important, we laugh together a lot!
Oh, and for the record.... girth is good.... girth is very, very good. 
He must want to be monogamous as I'm a one man woman, period, end of discussion. I don't want to get my heart broken again. OMG, she CAN be serious!!!! Stop the presses!
Tell one of your favorite sexual fantasies. Don't hold back!:
No.
What location do you fantasize about for a sexual encounter?:
A bed, The beach, The middle of a park, A movie theatre, A remote wilderness spot, Under a waterfall, A swimming pool or hot tub, A store dressing room, A hotel room
What types of sexual activities turn you on?:
Giving Oral Sex, Receiving Oral Sex, Toys (Vibrators/Dildos/etc.), Spanking, Mutual Masturbation, Food Play, Blindfolds, Sneezing
Ever fantasized about having sex with a celebrity? Who? What turns you on about them?:
Yea, that guy in that movie... you know the one... there
was a car chase and he jumped out of the way when the cars drove
up on the sidewalk. And then... oh, never mind.
Have you ever had cybersex?:
I've tried it, but it's just not the same.
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