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flawed?
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flawed? One of the bloggers I've started following recently ( Vixn_Vella ) posted a poll on flaws today. She asked if people notice their partners flaws, and if they matter to them. I voted that I notice the flaws on my partner and it does not bother me, but I felt I should qualify that. First off, I notice the flaws because I notice everything. I'm quite possibly the most observant person you know, at least when I'm paying attention. I'm able to understand not just what I see, but often why things are a certain way. So I see flaws, but typically as part of the landscape of that person, and they usually mean a lot less to me than to the one carrying them. That part I notice though. When people perceive themselves as having a flaw it creates observable behavior, and I respond strongly to this. Give me a little time around someone in a social setting and I can usually tell you what they think their biggest flaw is. Their body carriage, dress, gestures will on some level be contrived to cover the flaw, and this stands out to me like a sore thumb. So the flaw is usually no big deal, but the behavior the flaw generates, or at least the perception of the flaw as it enters that persons sense of self, is very important to me. This can be both a positive and a negative. If someone is embarrassed by their smile or teeth for instance, they will tend to cover their mouth and break eye contact when they laugh . I find this a bit off putting. On the other hand, while I'm not attracted to unusually tall women, an unusually tall woman in high heels has an almost magnetic quality to me, and even if I don't bed her I feel instinctively that she'd be worth cultivating as a friend. I guess to me flaws are minor, but the way someone carries themselves, well that means something. |
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@zazou, a couple of comments I agree that everyone has self doubt, and I probably could have written this better, I see that now. To me the important thing isn't that someone has no self doubt, the important thing is how they deal with those doubts. I think that may be what you're getting at here, it isn't very poignant to see someone crumble and break, but seeing them in a situation where that is a real possibility and watching them cope with it and overcome, that's a great experience. That's what I was alluding to when I mentioned a tall girl with the confidence to wear high heels, it's seeing someone beat life instead of letting life beat them. As far as my own self doubt/confidence, I am a truly odd bird here. I seem to have a much deeper well of confidence than most people. So much so that I don't embarass easily. A lot of people most would describe as arrogant are anything but confident, they run through life promoting themselves as being special because they are terrified of being found lacking. I'm the opposite, so sure of myself in the things I am good at that I can fail miserably, and publicly, in other areas without a care in the world. To me getting embarrassed by screwing something up I'm not good at or having an accident in front of a crowd is a non issue, it would be like superman sweating losing a game of yahtzee. When you can leap tall buildings you don't sweat parlor games, and I'm sure that makes me sound like a ridiculously arrogant person (an accurate, if narrow description) I've been convinced that in my own way I really can leap tall buildings since I was a kid. I don't feel like I have to be good at everything, and I'm pretty great at the things I am good at, so failing, to me, almost feels like I'm letting the other guy have a chance to be good at something for a change. Cocky, but it's pretty true all the same. That may be why I'm attracted to women with the strength to confront and overcome issues. I've got a very strong personality and I can, either consciously or subconsciously overwhelm most people. So being attracted to someone who can handle a lot is probably a little bit of a survival skill. A girl who can't handle that sort of stuff likely won't handle me very well at all.
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@ktown i struggle with the cell phone thing sometimes. i don't take calls while on a formal date, i think it's a sign of respect to reserve your full attention for the one your with, but the longer i'm around someone the more they are going to have to deal with my social media and e-mail habits. in my defense, i work in social media, and i'm a partner in my company, so i have to be connected all week and a lot of the stuff that goes across my desk stops there, there's no one else to catch slack for me. but still, if you want to date or befriend a small business owner, your going to have to be generous about sharing attention sometimes. i think situations that annoy me to know end tho, which doesnt have to be always formal dating scenerios. but, for example, take a family vacation. my sister, shes like married to her smart phone. always wanting to tell others what were up to. taking pictures of our dinner to show off to others what were doing at the time. it like friggin' annoys me. i know its an activity that she enjoys doing. but in my mind i just see it as... what she enjoys more is showing off to ppl what were up to than actually just enjoying the time with the ppl she's with. i just find it annoying... social media/networking. it can be cool. but than i can despise the whole concept. its a love/hate thing i guess i have with it all.. "Don't hide yourself in regret. Just love yourself and you're set." ~Lady Gaga
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@ktown i struggle with the cell phone thing sometimes. i don't take calls while on a formal date, i think it's a sign of respect to reserve your full attention for the one your with, but the longer i'm around someone the more they are going to have to deal with my social media and e-mail habits. in my defense, i work in social media, and i'm a partner in my company, so i have to be connected all week and a lot of the stuff that goes across my desk stops there, there's no one else to catch slack for me. but still, if you want to date or befriend a small business owner, your going to have to be generous about sharing attention sometimes.
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i think the type of flaw your referring to in this post is someone who may come across as having low self esteem and low self confidence. ones smile, teeth, height, they are things that you really cant change THAT much about yourself. so yeah. i guess i find that ppl who are comfortable in their own skin, more appealing to be with too... but the behaviors that ppl DO have control over. i think that is the defining point on us as a person of what we like and dislike, whether or not were able to accept such a person or not. find them attractive or not, etc... ppl who like to check up on their cell phone 24 hours a day. EVEN when that person is hanging out with me but THAT person has to always check, check, check..what everyone else is doing. or likes to update what they are up to.. THAT bothers me A LOT. i kinda see that as a flaw. they cant enjoy my company without getting distracted by wondering what everyone else is doing or updating whats going on with them. this could be more of a reflection of me when it comes to the type of person i like to be with... but yeah, i notice certain stuff like that about ppl... "Don't hide yourself in regret. Just love yourself and you're set." ~Lady Gaga
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@loud don't worry about me assessing you. for one, i think your pretty cute anyways, and for another, if anything you should think i'm more interested than your total package than in one particular feature that may or may not worry you. @sugar- you know, more than one girl i've been with has asked me if i had any scars she could investigate and get the full story behind. oddly enough the most interesting injury story i have involved me not receiving any scars due to either a legit miracle or freak incident that is beyond the realm of science to explain.
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I notice flaws as well ... but I am most likely to notice oddities ... bruises, scars, moles ... that sort of thing. I am incredibly self conscious at times but I try to fake it till I make it. The most important thing you can wear is the expression on your face!   
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