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Meltdown
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Meltdown As a few of you who keep up with me on a regular basis, know, I lost my 36 y.o. middle February 28th. She went into the hospital Feb 13th for emergency surgery. The surgery went well, but her little lungs could never support her without the machines. She was on 2 different kinds of ventilators, from the 13th to the 28th. Towards the last 3 or 4 days her body parts started shutting down. On Tues 28th, the kidneys started failing and the doctor did not fell dialysis was an option. After telling him I couldn't turn the vent off (I had given the DNR order the Sunday before), he sent in a palliative care doctor. He did his exams, informed me there were no pulse in her wrists and that his medical opinion was that she had less than 8 hrs to live. Told him I couldn't turn vent off, he then ask if I wanted the chaplain, I said yes. Then Chaplain came in between 9 and 10. Told him same thing I had told the 2 drs. I COULD NOT turn off the vent. When he prayed, that is how he prayed. For God to intervene and his will be done. The main reason I wouldn't give the order, was the fact her heart was still fairly strong and beating on it's own. Within 2 hrs of the Chaplain leaving, that changed. Her little heart did start failing. As I stood there holding her hand in mine, telling her it was ok, she could let go, that "Mommie would be ok". I had told her that for days, and that is one thing that is keeping me going today. My promise to my dear sweet Racheal. She was buried March 3rd. in Oklahoma where we come from and just this past Sat 31st. I managed to hold a memorial service here in Tyler for friends from here. I think this service has opened me up to the fact, She is gone, She is never coming back. This week has been so hard, with everything coming to a head this afternoon. I work a full time job along with a part time job, so I stay very busy with that. My day job is a secretary of a comm. MH/MR. I answer phones, takes messages and schedule appts for the doctors and nurses. I have done this for nearly 5 yrs and mental health is of nothing new to me. This afternoon I had my first ever, panic/anxiety attack. I full melt down while at Wally World. I started shaking, trying not to cry, wanted to scream "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY". Of course it was packed with last minute shoppers for Easter. I have been there when things were a lot more hectic. I think the one thing that brought this own was the fact that I wouldn't have my Racheal here in the morning to give her, her Easter basic. For you see, even though she was 36, she was still in so many ways, my little baby girl. I had only had her with me for a little more than a year. Last Easter was the first time, since she was real small, that I had given her a basket. I so looking forward to seeing her sweet face in the morning, when she woke up to find what the "Bunny" had left her. As I have said, this was the first of these attacks. What I am afraid of, this will not be the last unless I get some medical help, no matter how temporary it might be. Don't get me wrong, I am not one of these people who abuse drugs. Quite the contrary, I have pain pills from my back dr. that was filled many months ago and have a few left because I take them ONLY when I need them, not because they were prescribed 3 times a day. I don't want to experience this again, but unless I can get a dr to prescribed me something to take, it very well could. I don't even know why I am putting all of this one here. Maybe I just want some feedback from friends and others on here. Maybe I felt the need to just type and put it out there. I don't know!!! "AMERICA" Love it or leave it!!! |
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hey freind just lettin you know i still thinkin bout u and can honestly say i know how you feel let me know if dr or drugs work and hang in there this year started out crappy as/ hell for the both of us
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I'm glad that you got help, Sassy. If she's like any other loving person, she wouldn't want you to mourn for the rest of your life. So you have to keep climbing that mountain and learning to cope with the pain and the loss as well as you can. I can't promise that everything will be as it was before, of course, but one day you'll be able to look back on this time and make peace with it. And that reminds me of how I've been meaning to draw up my own will ever since I was in the Air Force about 20 years ago, and I'd like to see if I can include something that would send me off not with a typical heavy-hearted funeral but with something more like a Viking beer party. I wouldn't want my family and friends mourning my death; I'd much rather have them celebrating my life instead. I'd much rather see them smiling and laughing than see them weeping and wailing, you know? Maybe it's high time that I got off my duff and started preparing for that. 
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6/5/2012 5:11 am |
Ed, Since writing this, I have indeed reached out for medical help as well as seeing a counselor. The medication the dr put me on has also helped with the chronic pain with my back issues, so I got a double whammy from it. Things are somewhat better, just taking one day at a time. "AMERICA" Love it or leave it!!!
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